sometimes,
I push it too far,
find myself trying to take back words that have already stained the air between us.

But I Still Remember

when everything was perfect,
until it wasn’t.
when we were bestfriends,
until we weren’t.
when our ‘I will’s
became ‘I won’t’s
when our first fight
became our last.

I know you’ll be fine without me, you were before.
But I wish you wouldn’t,
I wish that I was more than a fleeting passion
A flame bursting into being, rather than a candle sputtering out.

You have changed me
and for that
I hate you

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Regrets, everyone has them.

I went to a wedding the other day, so you know what that means – getting suited and booted, and plastering on a smile with superglue. You’re not allowed to be unhappy at weddings.

So we’re all waiting in the church, I’m on the Groom’s side near the front, though I don’t particularly know the couple. Not as an entity anyway, I know him sort of, not her. But I think I got to know her that day. They’re both around about my age – yeah I know quite young for modern society.

As we all stood for the entrance of the bride, in between two of the bridesmaid coming down the aisle, a young(ish) man slipped in quietly and took a seat at the very back on the Bride’s side. I thought that was a bit strange, almost like he was sneaking in, and he looked unhappy to be there in the first place.
All was revealed when the bride came in, the look of utter anguish and longing on his face and the slight stutter in the Bride’s step when she saw him [things I think everyone else missed, so entranced they were by the bride]. It was obviously a case of love lost, but I didn’t want to come to conclusions too soon, though I guessed either the he’s been invited out of courtesy, rather than any real expectation, or he’d heard about it and needed to see it happen.

I might have been imagining things, but the bride seemed a bit restless after that, not quite as happy as she should have been.

A bit later on, he came over to, I assume, congratulate her, or maybe just stir things up a bit. [Yes I sound like a stalker, but I was curious]. It nearly broke my heart clean in two, their expressions and the way their hands lingered on eachother, briefly enough to be missed by a non-stalker.

Yes, I know, Groom’s friend technically, I should have had a different reaction, but watching Bride and Groom closely, it was clear that the same depth of emotion just wasn’t there. All relationships are different I know, but when you can look at two people you’ve never met and see their love as a palpable thing, it seems to outstrip the true relationship/union playing out in front of me.

I can only guess whether this will cause problems for them in the future, but it’s very obvious that there’s some regret floating around.

Everyone has regrets, but some are more extreme than others it seems.
Not even sure why ~I posted this, I just needed to share I suppose.

-AR

She

i. I have a friend, who lights up my life.
And she is not perfect; far from it.
In fact, she is a disease, crawling in my heart.
My heart can’t take much more.

 

ii. She comes to me, in her best dress and highest heels;
too high on her own existence to meet me half way.
I’m afraid that she is broken beyond repair.

 

iii. She is imperfect, the image of beauty,
The personification of sin,
I’m not the only one to have looked into her eyes and lost it all;
She can create a universe in a sentence, a world in a sigh.

iv. Her elixir is neat alcohol;
her home, a stranger’s sheets.
These strangers that she collects, piece by piece.

v. I wanted this to be a reflection, of how I think she’s perfect.
Her flaws are exquisite,
her lips and hips,
were made in dreams.
But I think instead that I am twisted,
for finding beauty in a creature as heartless as she.

 

vi. She finds herself in the blue coolness of a late night,
where sweat and whispered nothings cocoon her from the outside.
She is sex, and she excels.

 

vii. She is broken and tainted;
She makes you want to be too.

 

viii. She,
       She, 
       She.

My Beautiful may not be your Beautiful

  I like to surround myself with beautiful things, lots and lots of beautiful things. 

 
  Which got me thinking. Isn’t it strange how one thing that I find beautiful, you may find plain? This applies to people too. You see it every day – although I try not to be judgemental – you might see someone and have no reaction (at least not positive) to their appearance or maybe that hill top view just doesn’t do it for you, yet someone else comes along and falls in love with it.
 
  At the moment I’m surrounded by old-look wooden floors and paint that shows the brushstrokes on the walls and a chilly but entrancing sea. Some of you are probably screwing your faces up right now, but that’s what I like, I would love to live beside the sea. 
 
  I have a friend who loves weddings and thinks as an entirety they’re beautiful and full of wonder. I, however, find the relationship dynamics interesting but don’t have a huge physical reaction to the wedding itself – call me heartless if you wish. 
 
  As they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It makes us unique that we all find different things appealing.
 
  Happiness is surrounding yourself with things you find beautiful and uplift your spirit. Remember: you, your work, your ideas and your mind – are beautiful to at least one other person in this world and that is more than enough reason to smile.
 
-AR